Happy New Year and Welcome Back to my blog!
For me, January has begun with quite a shaky start. I have never publically acknowledged this on my blog, nor my social media or people that I just know… I guess I’ve never shared this with anyone who wasn’t personally close to me, but I entered 2016 with ten stitches in my hand because I was mugged and stabbed. All my possessions were taken such as my laptop, phone, purse, keys because me being me, I was carrying all my stuff to my second home, the library, because I wanted to get my essays over and done with so I could enjoy my holidays. So, this year, my Christmas break from university wasn’t as much fun as they normally are… It consisted of constant hospital and doctor appointments, endless counselling sessions as well as plenty of tears over (and frantic rewriting of) my lost dissertation. I can look back and almost laugh about it now, but I cried so much over my dissertation. I was more distraught about my dissertation than actually getting stabbed because I’m that much of a geek! But realistically, I guess because it had been a project that I had been working my ass on for give-or-take seven months all lost in 30 seconds.
The whole incident completely changed me as a person, and I don’t think for the first month after it happened, I was much fun at all. Therefore, this is a personal shout out to my friends and family who had to be in the company of me during this very hard time. The people who were my constant rock and it is those people who I cannot express enough of my love and gratitude to over just this simple blog post.
Like I said, the incident has changed me. It has definitely knocked my confidence. I think all my friends and family can see that. I used to be an independent person – I was one of those sad people who loved taking public transport, especially buses, in and around London because I loved being outdoors. I loved to do things and be out of the house. But now I am definitely much more scared and cautious of my surroundings. I am warier of people. For example, I haven’t been able to wear earphones and listen to music whilst I’m commuting around. The past few weeks I haven’t left my house as much as I would’ve had this not had happened. Leaving the house by myself and going to places by myself, for example, the hospital, has been hard. I feel myself always looking around, especially behind me. With university starting next week, the thought of having to commute alone does make me anxious but I’ve learnt that life cannot stop because of one incident. Yes, it does change your whole outlook on life, on people, on humanity, but I just have to remember that most people in this world are nice and it is a rare few who are nasty. I was just unlucky. I was in the wrong place at the wrong time. I think everyone will understand my reasoning to why I’m more restless nowadays, why I’m not as willing to go out as much as I used to, but I’ve tried to get myself to increasingly get out more and more. I’ve learnt that there is no point sitting at home, wrapping myself up in bubble wrap and suffocating myself with my own thoughts, replaying the incident in my head. I’m not saying that I should forget it ever happened, but it mustn’t stop me from living my life. I am a 21-year-old girl who should be out enjoying life, not cooped up in my room watching Netflix on repeat. Of course, like everything else, this is easier said than done, and my dear friends can tell you that I am the person that will come out and be like, “No, I want to be home before it’s dark” but it’s all about taking baby steps.
Today, my stitches were finally removed from my hand, and I do feel like some weight has been lifted off my shoulder. Obviously, physically, now I’m able to shower instead of taking baths, to wash my own hair, to lift things up with my right hand, to cut my own food, to handwrite notes, to type on a laptop and to be able to drive again. But I think mentally, the removal of the stitches has changed me. I’m not saying I am able to do an all-nighter outside with you all right at this very moment, but I feel like, it is mentally a step closer to getting back to ‘the old me.’… does that make sense?
I know that this isn’t a problem that will be fixed overnight. I know I will have my good days and bad days. I don’t know if it will hit me again in tomorrow, six months, two years’ time. They say you don’t really ever get over a situation like this, and now I totally get it. It’s something I’m going to have to live with with the rest of my life. I know I’m a work in progress, both literally and metaphorically, but I hope that with time, with the support of everyone around me, that I’ll be okay (and that the scar on my hand eventually fades!)
I actually got a tattoo the other day. I’ve been wanting a new tattoo for a while, but I felt like the timing was most appropriate now. Firstly, I seem to get tattoos and piercings during significant milestones in my life, when I turn 13, 18 etc. I’m not sure if it happens coincidentally or sub-consciously intentionally. Anyways, the tattoo behind my ear has no relation to the incident whatsoever, but I think in a slightly intuitive, hidden way, it is a celebration of being (and making it to) 21 years old. It is a way of saying, life needs to be lived, and you should do all the things you want to do because life can be taken away in a blink of an eye (so damn cliche I know.)
I hope to get things back up and running pretty soon as I now finally got me a new laptop and I can now finally type properly. Thank you for your patience and I hope you all have a splendid 2016 (and I hope you all continue to read my blog lol!)
Also, if you wanna check out my articles on BrightShinyNews, that would be lovely: http://www.brightshinynews.com/author/jessicalam