Why being nice gets you nowhere.

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I believe that I am a very nice person. I am one of those people who stay quiet when things go wrong as I don’t like confrontation because I don’t like being mean or a bitch. Being kind is a positive trait that many people look for in a partner. If you ask me what I look for in a guy, I’m sure ‘kind’ is up there amongst the top 5.

However, as I get older, I realise that the personality trait of kindness is rare to come across. It seems that in order to get somewhere or what you want, you need to be rude, you need to selfish, you need to be unkind. In fact, if you’re too kind, people will walk all over you.

I just learned that “being nice” isn’t really nice because you’re always being taken advantage of. I try to do everything in my power to please someone. I’m too much of a people pleaser. I say sorry for things that aren’t even my fault and I always put the other person’s feelings before my own, even if it meant I became the unhappier one. But it has to stop. I’ve learned about sticking up for yourself. I’ve finally recognise my worth, I realise that I have to value myself more than others.

I’ll give you some real examples.

If you’ve been reading my blog, you’ll know I dislike uni very much. In my post about the My Uni Experience, I speak about how I was made to feel isolated in my own class. In retrospect, I should’ve said something, I should’ve stood up for myself and called them out. But instead, I chose to be kind, ignore the fact no one wanted to sit with me and suck it up. I thought that if I kick up a fuss, a) that’s quite lame and immature and b) that’s not really a kind thing to do, and it will make me have less friends.

In my other post about Loyalty, if you’ve read it, you’ll know how the meaning of ‘compulsory, otherwise you will not be allocated a placement’ really meant nothing at my uni. If I wasn’t so kind, I could’ve raised the issue with senior members of staff. Yes, that would mean my friends wouldn’t get placement, but really, it’s their fault for not attending a meeting which was compulsory (especially as they live 5 minutes away from campus). Rules are made for a reason.

Being kind sometimes doesn’t work amongst friends either. Recent experiences have taught me if they think you’re super kind, they will walk all over you. For example, I have one friend who makes arrangements with me, like they ask me and organise it to a tee, and then they turn around and say, “Wait, still need to persuade my mum to let me out.” Do you think I have all the time in the world, to be waiting around for you? Chances are, in prior experience, it will get to the afternoon and they’ll be like “No, sorry Jess, mum said no”. This person would’ve wasted my whole day. If you make arrangements with someone, make sure you are able to go before you go ask the other person.

I honestly really don’t like being angry and annoyed, but there are times when it is needed. For instance, when you feel like you’re getting used. I am the type of person who normally comes out when someone asks, even if I don’t really wanna go, because that’s what you’re supposed to do for your friends, right? And this should apply vice versa, right?

NO, not in my case.

If my friends want to hang out after midnight, it’s fine. But when I want to, “Sorry Jessica, gotta be home by 11” Sorry, I didn’t know we were reenacting Cinderella.

Or if they want to go on a weekend break to Europe, it’s like “Everyone, put your life on hold and let’s go Paris/Barcelona/Amsterdam this weekend” because it suits them or they’ve FINALLY got permission from their parents (or in many of my friends’ case, this time, they’ve actually really asked their parents instead of pretending that they said no). After so many false hopes and failed attempts at trying to go away, I’ve given up and pull out of any talk of any trip. So now I’m branded as the lame one, but whatever.

I understand people’s parents are strict. But my friends and I are now 20+,  some lenience is needed.

When my friends do wanna go out late/on a date/with someone they know they shouldn’t be etc., sometimes they’ll ask me to cover for them. And of course I would (and I promise that isn’t even me being sarcastic, that is legit.) but it’s when they ask me to constantly cover for them, to the point where they’ll just assume I will, without even asking or consulting me. I’ve discovered their trick, sometimes the only reason why they ask me to come out is so they can send photos to their folks at home to prove we’re ‘hanging out together’ and then turn around and say “Jess, I think you should go home now” or in other words “You’ve done/served your purpose, now piss off”.

I’m not saying don’t be nice. It is in my nature to be nice, my parents have taught me to be kind and nice to everyone. People like people who are nice. I like people who are nice. This post is saying that sometimes, it’s okay not to be nice. I’ve learnt that I need a backbone, and when I feel like I’m being mistreated or whatever, I should call the person out. And if they think me being angry/upset/mad is a joke, (because like I said, I never really get angry) and they then go round making claims that ‘life is too short to hold grudges’ then I think, wait no, I know I’ve mastered the new no-shit Jess.

Because there’s a huge difference between being kind and being a push over.

X

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10 Comments Add yours

  1. alicekerrrrx says:

    Great post! I can relate to this SO much. Going out of your way or being too kind should earn you more respect, not become a walkover, but not everyone is tuned the same way as us! I’ve only come to realize this in the past two years, working at a hotel and covering for people/apologizing for something that isn’t my fault ETC – People only appreciate kindness when it suits them, and its a real damn shame.

    1. jessicaybl says:

      Your last sentence could not be more true! I agree with you 100%! Thanks for reading! 🙂 xx

  2. I sincerely appreciate kind people like yourself. 😊 Thank you for sharing this post! ❤️

    1. jessicaybl says:

      Aw, that’s so sweet! Thank you so much for commenting and reading! 🙂 xx

      1. You are most welcome! 😊

  3. I am in my 50s and i have found myself being too nice to often.. being nice only means being taken advantage of, and being generous means being used. No one remembers anyone who is nice, but they remember when you are not. Perhaps thats the lesson to survival in todays world, be selfish, be arrogant, be a liar, steal, cheat, and use other people for all you can get. That works for our society, only I cannot find it in me to do that.

    1. jessicaybl says:

      Thank you for your comment! I know what you mean, you think ‘treat them how they treat you’ but if you’re nice, you’re nice. You can’t. And there’s NOTHING wrong with that at all! 🙂

  4. Putadelujo says:

    I used to be a nice good loving woman and men only used me, cheated on me, were selfish etc. So then I became an escort and make great money.my life is much better. It really does not pay off to be a good person because most other people are not good and instead of repaying a favor they will instead milk you dry. Men. They don’t appreciate a good woman but if you’re a semi expensive whore they’re more than willing to fork over money for that same woman so that they don’t have to worry about actually having a relationship. I will remain how i am because it works.

    1. jessicaybl says:

      If you’re happy and it works then good for you! Your happiness is the most important thing (:

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